Embracing Loneliness

It's been quite too long since I have written. I wrote so often early on and now I think I have made 2 posts in the last month. So, with the day off, I have to write. Not only to I have an obligation to the readers and loved ones interested in my life, but for my mental health as well. The therapeutic feelings of reflecting through journaling have been absent from my life lately. As such, I find myself more irritable and far less optimistic and confident about my life. It has been my experience that the less I actively reflect upon my experiences the more likely I am to wallow in the surface level, negative feelings.

Now many might argue with me that a true pessimist is one who analyzes life to a point beyond the surface and sees the true, often dismal intentions and actions of people. Yet, my nature of questioning and challenging my life as well as others empowers me mostly because I treasure the ability to do so. Having a good conversation with one other person for me will often leave me with more questions then I came in with. This to me is the ultimate reward of human connection. The fresh, new ideas that result from that connection is what fuels me daily. Therefore, when I am lacking such reflection and connection I assume a default 'glass is half empty outlook,' and forget to ask questions like 'perhaps the glass is simply twice as big as it should be?' (Shout out to DHue)

The connection that I have formed with many of friends here in Norway has been quite rewarding and has been shaping me in news ways from friends and loved ones at other places and times in my life. However, the cost of forming these friendships has been distancing myself from so many people that I love. Lately, I have had what for me can be described as my first full-blown homesickness. Now, the term was thrown around a lot during my childhood, but often I was just across the street at Luke's, or at the Worth's and considering the proximity of my supposed distance, I could never really commit to 'legitimate' homesickness. Even, my freshman year of college when I was living away from home, my roommate and I weren't hitting it off and I was told that my mom had been diagnosed with cancer, I still had but 72 miles between me and home. Recalling on that time however, the situation was greatly eased having Ingrid during down the hall in Pflueger and 4 of 5 other Base Campers as neighbors.

Right now however, is a different ball game. With Cole's surgery, Ingrid's new job and life, Base Camper's Sr. year, Whitney choosing a study abroad location all happening whilst I am so far away...I am overwhelmed with the anxiety that I am missing these pivotal moments in my loved one's lives. And although I am comforted by all of the aforementioned individuals that "what you are doing and where you are Kyle is important for you and your growth as an individual," with these feelings of separation from 'home' I am beginning to realize how much of 'me' is defined by others.

At this point many of you might scoff and say, 'Kyle, you are the one who is comfortable in any situation and your confidence and passion make you adjust and thrive anywhere.' Although I generally agree with this confidence booster, after being here for two months now, I believe that I am at 80%. It is as though this distance from loved ones is decreasing the energy that I otherwise feed off of from them.

I have been feeling this way more and more after my mom left. She was here two weeks ago for my mid semester holiday. We took a cruise from Stockholm, Sweden to Helsinki, Finland. It was a lovely trip. We went on incredible site seeing tours, had unbelievable meals and had great conversation. She was such a great travel partner. Our styles are quite compatible and our pace for the week was great. After everything we did I can say with great confidence that Stockholm was my favorite. I had just been two and half weeks prior, with a group of 8 for a weekend trip and I love it. It is a city comprised of 14 islands and much of its old architecture remains and gives the city unprecedented character. Considering it location and I believe the time of year, it is the most beautiful place I have been in my life. We stayed at Hotel Rival, the first boutique hotel in Sweden owned by Benny Andersson of ABBA fame. It was such a neat place and relatively inexpensive (considering the region of the world). Our first night we went to this great French/Sweden restaurant called Bistro Sud. Amazing.

Mom and I came back to Norway and we spent some casual days in Hamar so she could get a feel for my day-to-day life. We woke up to snow on our third day, originally planned for Oslo. It was great to stay in and watch a lot of Heroes with her. We cooked meals together, played far too much Gin Rummy and went on some great bike rides. Hamar was in perfect form and she got some great days to see the beauty of this country. On her last full day we did a walking, self-guided tour of Oslo and saw Karl Johans, the palace, Acker Brygge, the fort, and of course Vigelandsparken. The next morning I saw her off on Flytoget (the airport train) at 5:30 AM. I got some great pictures along the way and I have recently created a new photo album on my online site. Here is the link to it if you need it again. http://kylemorean.myphotoalbum.com/albums.php

As I have sat here typing this I have been thinking of more ways to inspire myself and push on despite my distance from and longing for my loved ones. It is a quite real experience and adjustment I have made living here. It has reminded me of the importance of three things:
1) To remain focused, happy and confident I need to write and reflect on my experiences more in journal form, when I don’t have my close friends to have the lengthy conversation with, which otherwise provide that reflection medium.
2) How important my friends and loved are to my happiness and life. My disconnection from their lives and desire to know how they are doing needs to be channeled through all of the fantastic forms of communication that exist (Facebook, email, skype). This way, I can continue to stay connected and feel like I am still a part of their lives.
3) It is a very real thing to be lonely. It is a state I am not terribly comfortable with. I have always been someone who prefers the company of fascinating people to my alone time. Yet, realistically I wont always be around my loved ones and this time in my life is an opportunity to build strength and learn that being lonely does not have to equate to being miserable. Because like an other feeling, emotion, or experience it is what I make of it.